..Mr Justice Hedley certainly thought so in a case he dealt with a few months ago.  I think it provides a salutary lesson for those considering a parenting arrangement with another couple.

The  birth mother  and her civil partner advertised for a male couple willing to consider having a child with them through IVF.  The birth father (“M”) and his partner (“A”) replied and the two couples went on to have 2 girls together.  The girls are now 10 and 6.   The 4 adults had argued about the roles they were all to play in the childrens lives since 2008 when the relationship between the two couples broke down. The 10 year old is now refusing to see her fathers. 

The person who facilitated contact reported on a meeting she had with the 10 year old.  Their report is, I feel, incredibly sad.  They stated:-

“I then went upstairs to see [the child] and talk to her about how she felt about it.  I was deeply saddened by what I heard from her, which confirmed for me the way..  this almost ten year old girl is being made to carry the responsibility for the failure of the adults in this system to overcome the conflicts between them.

[The child] told me that she wished she could move away, far away from all this conflict, all this horrible stuff.  She told me that she cries at school in the toilets and her friend looks after when she is upset, which is a lot.   [The child] said that she does not feel as if M is a father to her.  She has two mothers.  That is her family and she is happy with that.  She liked M and A and likes seeing them too, but she did not think of them as her family because she has a family.  It is the mothers and her younger sister.  She cannot just pretend that M is her father in order to make him happy.

She said that in the past it was okay, they saw M and A and that was fine, and she might even like seeing them now if they stopped being so horrible to her and making her feel as if they were ruining her family all of the time.  She wished for the time past when the mothers quite liked M and A, and M and A did not do all those horrible court things that make everyone so miserable.  She does not know why they cannot just sort it out and let her be a normal ten year old child.”

As a mother myself, I cannot imagine how these parents felt when they read this report. 

The judge states that the arrangement is quite different from separating heterosexual parents.  There was an agreement that the mothers would be the principal carers for the children and the fathers would be the secondary parents.  The precise details of this were never agreed.  He ordered that the second child have contact with the fathers (including monthly overnight contact), that a report be provided as to how that contact progresses and that there be a further hearing later in the year.

The Judge points out that the case provides a vivid illustration of just how wrong IVF agreements can go.  He indicates that the court process has not helped – the family have had 12 judges look at their case in 3 years of court proceedings.  However, he states that there is a need for a precise agreement as to the roles each of the adults involved in the agreement is to play before any attempt to achieve a pregnancy is made.

I think this case should be considered by anyone thinking about entering into an IVF arrangement where the child is to grow up knowing both birth parents.   Please do enter into an agreement spelling out exactly what role each adult is to play in that child’s life.  Of course arrangements may change in time, but at least everyone will be clear as to what is expected and your child may not be left struggling to deal with conflicts raging around her between those who love and care for her, like this 10 year old.