Separate parenting children with SEN - Communication

I recently had the pleasure of presenting a Wednesday Webinar on the topic of SEND Parents and Divorce – What you need to know. As a parent of a child with SEN, I would like to consider that I have a deeper understanding of the additional challenges that can be faced.

My personal experience

Parenting children with additional needs is tough! There is an increased need to advocate for your child and manage issues as they arise such as behaviours and often on an emergency basis, as well as coordinating school meetings, work and medical appointments. Ideally, these responsibilities are shared. This can be difficult in a happy relationship but if separated might seem like an almost impossible task.

Rights and responsibilities

The key term when considering the rights and responsibilities of parents to make decisions on behalf of a child in relation to health, well-being and care is Parental Responsibility. This is automatically held by mothers. Fathers will also automatically have parental responsibility if they are married to the mother at the time of the child’s birth or subsequently, or if they are named on the child’s birth certificate. If neither of those situations apply, they might obtain parental responsibility by completing a parental responsibility agreement with the mother or seeking a parental responsibility order.

When more than one person has parental responsibility for a child, they share it equally. This means that they each have equal responsibility for the important decisions that need to be made for the child.

I have found that it is not uncommon for parents who are together, either consciously or unconsciously, to delegate responsibility for certain tasks/decision making to each other in the same way as other labour might be divided. This is likely to be accompanied with little catch-ups as one parent provides updates to the other at the end of the day.

However, when a relationship breaks down, so will the opportunity for those seemingly innocuous conversations. If this is not addressed, then there becomes an increasing likelihood of parental conflict.

Potential conflict

Mum might well have been the parent who always attends all medical meetings and those at the school dealing with ECHP applications and reviews, but now Dad feels that he is being left out of the loop, excluded from information about his child, their progress and the decision making. It is more likely that he will also want to attend these meetings and that can present a challenge for Mum as she feels that Dad might interfere or undermine the relationships that have been built up with professionals previously.

In these situations, unless there is a safeguarding issue such as domestic abuse, my advice is that joint parental involvement is something that should be encouraged and facilitated even though it may not be easy. Relationship breakdown is usually a distressing time for all involved, causing huge emotional upheaval. However, it is really important that couples try to separate their relationship feelings from their parenting feelings and put the best interests of the child first. Information about the child, their progress and key issues needs to be shared openly, honestly and in a timely and inclusive way.

How to proceed

Communication is key, but choose words wisely and avoid combative or accusatory and challenging language. Focus on what is important and try to see the other’s perspective. If talking directly is difficult, try putting information in email or text although avoid doing this when tired, angry, stressed or distracted and be particularly mindful that written words can be easily misinterpreted. Co-Parenting Apps such as Our Family Wizard can be particularly helpful: https://www.ourfamilywizard.co.uk

At Birkett Long LLP, our family solicitors are able to advise parents who are separating or considering separation about arrangements for their children as well as financial and other issues that arise. All of our family solicitors are members of Resolution, an organisation whose members are committed to dealing with family law issues amicably and putting the best interests of the children first.

We offer free initial no obligation telephone calls with our solicitors to discuss how we can help. I can be contacted on 01206 217305 or via email at karen.johnson@birkettlong.co.uk.